^hello beautiful boy, you're dead.

i hope god blesses brian in the ways that he will not bless me. i have given him nothing, i don't even believe. but somehow, in some small way, brian keeps my faith alive. i just hope (or i know) that god sees that, and keeps him safe and happy. if anybody deserves it, he most certainly does.

i find out my duke decision in eleven days and to be absolutely honest, it's hard to care. it seems like all my hopes and dreams have been banked on this.. yet all of a sudden i am beginning to see that i HAD no hopes or dreams. all i want is to waste my days being happy. it's really not too much of a wasting, if you think about it.

i don't want to leave, i don't want to stay, i just want to keep on living this strange happy limbo when i'm with you.

p.s. i've been lying for nearly five years now. caitlin is not my best friend, nor was she ever. i just like to pretend. but god killed her cat so i figured it was time to come clean.

the enthusiasm with which i write about life in my college essays.. i wish it could be true, real. recently, though, it's been peculiarly close. i love this week, i love being around excellent people more often than before.

there's a wonderful, relieving comfort in sitting on benches on a november midnight, looking away from the street and into the woods to pretend we're not in the city. to see the stars, brighter than i'd ever seen before, lighting up our sky and our eyes, warming hearts and hands through and through. talking about nothing, everything, promises kept and forgotten and made for a million tomorrow's that we'll spend together. and believing them. answer me this, when was the last time i'd trusted anybody's promise? when was the last time i had loved unconditionally, with a childish innocence that makes it easier to be happy? even when i don't believe in god i pray and thank him for these people in my life who make things happy for me. who make me WANT to live. that sounds so ridiculous but, really, if you think about it, how often are we thankful for existing? we're thankful for the things in our life, but rarely for life itself. it's a good thing, to occasionally keep in mind that, as with all things, life will end so we better make sure the shit we do is worth it. midnight walks are definitely worth it. so is poo-ing.

i want to learn how to play the guitar (better) and i think i'm going to make that my next project. justin told me that it's good because if you're bored and down, playing guitar is good for calming you down and cheering you up. but it makes my fingers hurt when i play too much.

i'm still finding myself angry a lot. it takes a lot of happy to distract me from the angry; i have yet to find a better solution. still, i'll just let myself be temporarily satisfied with the recent increase in quality time spent. the bottom line is, it's time to graduate from high school. i say it all the time but i mean it so much that i can't stop. really, high school takes its toll on me and a lot more, too. the last stretch is the longest, like they always say. but they (whoever that is) say a lot of things that don't always ring true.

honestly though, i have the most amazing friends in the world. i don't know what i did to deserve it but it's my favorite thing about being alive.

"all we had was dead, for i am dead."

i'm thinking at some point in my life i'm going to need to learn how to control my temper. i am afraid of what is going to happen to me and the people around me between then and now. and i'm still trying to decide if i'm glad that people do not realize how afraid of me they should be. i've always lived this way, out of control and out of sync with myself. it's just that i used to be safe and with people who could handle it, who could read me well enough to know when an intervention was needed. i miss having someone to depend on. i sure as hell am not going to trust myself.

i'm so angry all the time, now. i better find myself some alcohol or marijuana soon, lest it starts doing permanent harm. my wishes nowadays are strange and make little sense. i wish i could go to luxembourg. or montana. i wish i could find a boy like ricky in american beauty, or tristan in legends of the fall. i wish i could get lost in new york. i wish i could fall asleep on a ferry and wake up in another world. but all the while, i wish for another day way back when, which is one of the few wishes that have stayed the same.

i'm sorry i don't write much here, lately (sorry to myself). and i'm sorry this is hardly a decent way to break the silence. it's just that the white noise that is playing constantly in my head is hard to get down in words.

ps, i'm going to atlanta for christmas.

i really really miss craig blakney harrison smith.  i guess six hour conversations in the middle of the night will have to do for now.  happy veteran's day.

horchata is really good when you're high.  i'm not saying this because i'm high at the moment (i'm not) but because i am drinking horchata at the moment and it's good, but i remember when it was better.

i miss hunter, by the way.

i just want to take a minute to document this perfect, perfect evening and the perfect, perfect moments i've had in the last few hours.  days like these keep me going.



i'll add more later.  for now, good night.

regret is like a cancer.

i miss everything, everybody.  me. 

away message: baking
brian: are you angry?
me: no, i'm not angry
me: why would i be angry?
brian: you generally bake only when you're angry
brian: and if you're angry i should make you not

well, at least there's still that.  i'm excited to see you guys saturday.

ps
brian: corinne bailey rae is the most beautiful black girl i have ever seen

i wish i did not believe so much in "meant to be."

but i do love sloan and charlotte king.

i am so fed up i could scream.  i could break people, with just my hands, i could break people.

SOMEBODY FUCKING FIND ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Hey Heidi, i know i dont know you like dat, but i mean this from my heart. I love you as a friend, i hope you do end up in DC for school, i wanna get to know you more && learn && help you out about things. But iam be ok. Just cant beleave he gone."

dear life,
you bitch.  youuuuu bitch.

those aren't rats but. yeah.

human connection works in funny ways.  as does lying.  i'm good at both, but i am best at hiding my cuts.

(i just get such a fucking thrill out of metal tucked up sleeves, cutting skin in bathroom stalls of american public high schools.  HA, fuck you.)

it's been a blue week, but better blue than grey.

ups and downs are all i am, nowadays.  in that book, impulse, she called it whites and blues.  i don't know if that's what it is, but up and down seems to be all that i am.

i'm so tired.  the longer i'm alive, the more tired i get.  the more i sleep, the more tired i am when i have to wake up.  the happier i am, the less happiness there seems to be leftover for next time.  all that's left to fill the void, the ever-expanding void, is a terrible numbness.  a numbness like sadness gone wrong.  i don't understand it and i don't understand how to get out of it.  college, i think.  ha.

and i'll never stop cutting.  this i know now, and hopefully i won't (or at least won't for a long time) try to quit again.  even if i stop, even if i don't for years and years and years, there it is buried deep in my person like a virus.  sometimes it flares up and i can't control it, like when a pot overflows on the stovetop.  tonight was one of the sometimes.  i don't mind it, really, when it does happen.  it's better than not knowing what to do.

sitting in front of the mirror, just sitting.  my hair like rope, i twist it into rope and i try to climb up it but in the end it's just hair.  why is my face not mine?

i don't love him anymore.  i don't really love anybody anymore.  anybody real, at least.  i love what i remember and that's the only place where my loving can exist.  that's a terrible thing.  now i have this strange limbo where i watch the people i would have loved and i think to myself, "pity."  pity that i can't, now.  pity because i am not me and you are not you and if we are not us, then we can never know one another.  do you see?

i wish i could just send a link of this journal to certain people.  i wish they could understand my raw train of thought without explanation.  but even if i were to send this, they wouldn't get it, because the inside of my head stopped making sense four years ago.  four is an ugly number, but brian chose it.  in chinese, it rhymes with the word that means death.

how many people live inside my body anyhow?

i wish somebody i do not know well would call me in the middle of the night and get to know me.  sometimes i think that if i could present myself in a way that another person could get to know me, then i would be able to rediscover myself.  but i'm either too scared or this somebody else does not make the effort, take the extra step, and once again i'm stuck here in this "strange limbo."

if i knew as much about my body as you do about yours, i think i would have killed it a long time ago.

you have no idea.  you have no idea.

I LOVE MY SNOWEY SO SO MUCH.

bad bad bad bad bad night, cut cut cut cut cut.

stranger, call me 714 726 2381 tonight

nobody understands, not even me.

i live these vicious, vicious cycles, i live them.

what do you want?  i don't know what you want.

i want to know, i just want to know.  i don't even need it to happen right now, i just need to know when when when is this going to stop?

so what's worse, friends?  never getting there or finally having it and realizing it's not what you wished it would be.  realizing it doesn't save you and now having no hope of anything, ever, saving you?  because what if, what if, what if?  what if this isn't as simple as i've made it out to be?

writing my college admissions essay is like experiencing muscle death, said house to the kindergarten teacher.  okay, not really, but almost, almost.  i live by my almosts i swear i do.  it's self-reflection in the most painful manner, it's self-reflection that requires me to make something beautiful out of absolutely shit.  shit shit shit shit shit.  DO YOU KNOW?  DO YOU KNOW?  i don't.

i know my posts here are spastic and stupid and don't even make sense, but i can only type what is train of thought, and this is what the inside of my head looks like.  because honest to fucking god, i don't know.

i can go weeks and weeks and months, years sometimes (not of late, but sometimes) feeling nothing and wanting nothing and hating nothing and loving nothing.  i call it the dead alive.  during it, i can't write, i can't think, i can't feel.  there's nothing, there's nothing but white noise and light, lots of light that lights up nothing because there IS nothing.  i hate it but i can't even hate it properly because there's not enough of me alive to even be here to hate it.  sometimes, when i'm with the right people and the right chemical reactions happen, i wake up from it but it's so easy to fall back into it that, when i do, i fall deeper than i was to begin with.  and i never fight it.  why fight it?

and sometimes i am so happy.  i am so happy i'm angry and i'm so angry it's like i have enough anger to swallow the whole world.  i've never been more afraid of anything than i am of myself when i'm angry like that.  it's an anger that surpasses all my life entails, it's an anger that demands vengeance.

but more often than not, i come out of the dead alive like this.  low, low, low, low lowlowlowlowlow.  so low.  it's like i'm at the botton of the ocean, a great big blue ocean and i've sunk to the very bottom of bottoms where deep sea creatures don't even like to go and the entire ocean of water is weighing down on me, my ribcage, my lungs, and i'm low.

i'm going to post this before i change my mind again.

nobody read this!

i met oh_cory !



(see, i told you i'd post it)

eck,

i ate lunch today and now i feel absolutely disgusting.  not to mention last night i had half a sandwich from "jimmy john's," which also made me feel gross.  i want to throw up.

i cut again for the first time in over a year.
oh well.